Psychopath, sadist, manipulator, narcissist — all these names conjure up the image of a dangerous person who enjoys tormenting others.
But when I gathered descriptions of several psychological manipulations, a completely different, more comical image clearly appeared in my mind.
I remembered “the world’s best boss,” Michael Scott from the cult series The Office, brilliantly played by Steve Carell. This guy isn’t all that scary, right? But how much pain does Michael cause those around him, especially those who dare to get close to him?
Unlikely Steve Carell’s character realizes his actions and their consequences. Most often, manipulative behavior occurs unconsciously and may be a sign of an immature personality or the result of traumatic experiences. I have repeatedly encountered the psychological tricks listed here. However, experiencing manipulations in reality is not as funny as in a sitcom.
Control
Constant control. Obsessive control. Control by any means. Total control in a relationship between a man and a woman doesn’t stop at controlling their circle of communication out of jealousy. A partner might try to interfere with your interests and dictate what to watch, read, or even buy.
I know a couple where the husband doesn’t let his wife go to the supermarket alone. And when they go together, he controls every purchase. If the wife buys something he doesn’t like, he may cause a scene right in the supermarket. Because even such a small thing makes him feel like he’s losing control over his wife.
The manipulator may throw tantrums, show aggression, or, conversely, sulk and cry. A manipulator will do everything to make it easier for you to agree with them than to argue. And for this, the manipulator will use your emotions.
Intrusive control can exist not only between spouses. Parents can use psychological pressure towards children (even if the children are already adults). Or such "overprotection" may be shown by a boss towards subordinates, just as Michael Scott did.
How to fight it?
If you do or don’t do something only to avoid conflict, that’s precisely the behavior the manipulator wants from you. Fear of conflict can lead you to stop thinking and acting freely. Don’t give up your interests or opinions just because they don’t please someone else. Your life is in your hands.
Gaslighting
The term “gaslighting” was introduced in the 1980s after the release of the 1944 movie Gaslight. In the film, a husband tries to convince his wife that she’s going insane by moving and hiding small objects at home. He also turns on a gaslight in one of the rooms, which causes the lighting to dim. When his wife asks about the dimness, he tells her it’s her imagination.
There’s a Russian proverb about relationships: “If he beats you, it means he loves you.” This saying implies that if a man literally hits a woman, he cares about her and has feelings (love) for her. This reflects societal norms where men, unable to express their emotions, use their physical superiority to push women into accepting their degrading fate. The proverb describes a terrible relationship between a man and a woman where physical abuse is supplemented with psychological abuse — gaslighting.
Consciously distorting another person’s perception of reality is a rather cruel form of psychological abuse. Again, gaslighting can occur not only in relationships between a husband and wife. For example, some patients or their relatives complain about their psychotherapists, who take sadistic pleasure in emphasizing the client’s inadequacies, who trusted them.
Gaslighting can manifest in phrases like “That never happened,” “I didn’t say that,” or “Are you crazy?” A manipulator belittles positive qualities, tries to downplay achievements, or assures the victim that they will face failure in the future. As a result, the victim doubts their rightness and adequacy. Often, a person agrees to the reality imposed by the tyrant.
However, it’s important to remember that our memory isn’t perfect. A person may claim they didn’t say something simply because they forgot. Don’t confuse poor memory with gaslighting. But if someone systematically tries to convince you that it’s your fault, you started it first, or you imagined it then you’re probably dealing with a manipulator, not just a forgetful person.
Gaslighting can be not only interpersonal but also more widespread, even on a national level. The Kremlin’s propaganda gaslighting is aimed at somehow justifying Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, primarily among Russian people and internationally:
- The war was called a special operation.
- Occupation or the ruins left of towns are called liberation.
- Sanctions don’t sound as good as import substitution.
- The retreat of Russian troops was called a gesture of goodwill.
- Russians and Ukrainians are one people — this is a veiled denial of Ukrainians’ existence as a nation.
- Protecting Russian speakers — an invented justification for the war, a bad one, but at least something, because you can’t just declare, “We went to war against Ukraine because we had the power.”
When you look closely, it becomes clear that Kremlin propaganda uses not only gaslighting but other methods of psychological abuse. All the methods. Fortunately, Russian gaslighting doesn’t affect the global community as it does the Russian people because the world media aren’t as biased as the Russian ones.
What can help in the fight against gaslighting?
Facts. Irrefutable facts that you can rely on. Rely on facts, not the manipulator’s personality, and stand your ground.
Ultimatums, Blackmail
If something doesn’t go according to the narcissist’s plan, the manipulator may resort to ultimatums: “If you don’t do what I want, I’ll tell your secret,” “Choose: the dog or me,” “If you don’t fix the faucet today, I’ll have to call a plumber.” And the better the manipulator knows you and your weaknesses, the more skillfully they will use this psychological trick against you.
How to resist ultimatums?
If the person who issued the ultimatum is not a complete egoist, you can directly say that blackmail is not the best foundation for building a relationship. Or you can add your (counter) conditions to the ultimatum and show that you can also play this game.
Triangulation
To create even more pressure on you, the manipulator uses a third party. This can be a person whose opinion matters to you. The manipulator may refer to what someone else said about you — “Yes, your friend was right about you, you lack courage...” This is likely untrue because narcissists love to gossip behind people’s backs. The manipulator speaks with other people’s voices what they want to say themselves.
A manipulator may also threaten to bring some information to the third party or involve this person in your conflict. “If you don’t stop arguing with me, I’ll tell your relatives about this, and everyone will find out how bad you are!”
Thus, narcissists reinforce their position using someone else or even create conditions for jealousy. A manipulator uses triangulation to be more convincing. The third party can be relatives, friends, colleagues, or anyone who may be significant in a particular situation. This way, the victim loses confidence and agrees with the manipulator more quickly.
How to fight it?
Don’t let yourself be confused. Your opinion remains just as important with or without a third person. You can also ask for help from a third party. The manipulator uses the outsider just like they use you. This means that in an argument with this person, the manipulator will use you, trying to drag you into the conflict on their side. Or you can enlist the support of someone entirely different, over whom the manipulator has no influence.
Aggressive Remarks and Jokes
Sometimes, I experience dissonance when interpreting such jokes directed at me. The tone of the joke isn't particularly aggressive, and I do have a sense of humor. But the message is still received, hence the dissonance.
The joking tone provides room for maneuver. A manipulator may avoid direct confrontation but take the opportunity to sting you with a caustic joke. With these "harmless" jokes, a person can express many things they wouldn't say directly. And why get angry? After all, it's just a joke, right?
By the way, sarcastic jabs are often considered passive aggression, which isn't entirely accurate. Even a thinly veiled joke or trolling is still an active action.
How to Deal with Aggressive Jokers?
Before reacting, you need to understand three things:
- What exactly did the person say as a joke (reproach, dissatisfaction, insult)?
- Why was it said (to express what they dislike about your actions or only to insult)?
- Who is this person?
For example, your spouse jokes about unwashed dishes to draw your attention to it. In another example, a colleague teases another colleague about their weight, not to motivate them to exercise but only to insult them. The method is the same, but the difference is huge.
In the first case, a close person, who doesn't want to offend you and uses humor to avoid sharp corners. In the second case, it's a sadist who gets satisfaction in an unhealthy way (and you don't have to have a relationship with them).
When someone tries to insult you through humor, you can always respond in kind. Show that you are in control of the situation.
If you can't come up with a witty response, tell the psycho directly that it's not a joke but an insult, and you won't tolerate it. The manipulator might try to convince you that it's not an insult and that you lack a sense of humor (which is why they wrapped their insult in a joke). Still, insist on your position. If the manipulator continues to bend the line, stay calm (don't give the sadist extra reason for joy) and cease communication with this person.
Shaming
Shaming is one of the manipulator's favorite tools. If they manage to shame you, you'll feel guilt and insecurity, making you more inclined to agree with the tyrant.
You might be surprised, but you can be ashamed not only of doing bad things but also of doing good ones. An experienced manipulator will shame you for your emotions, resentments, and even the violence you've suffered.
Again, it's important to understand why a person is doing this: to shame you for a bad deed and ensure you don't repeat it or to shame you for anything to gain sadistic pleasure.
- "An exhibitionist just attacked me, and I saw everything!"
- "Phyllis! You're a married woman!" (From the series The Office)
Phyllis experienced psychological violence, but a colleague tried to shame her for it, even though she was the victim in this situation.
The defense of a criminal who attacked a person and stabbed them in the heart area tries to shame the victim as a Christian.
Here is a mix of triangulation and shaming.
How to Fight Back?
If you realize that someone is trying to manipulate you through shaming, you won't be drawn into this game.
You can always mirror the manipulation and use this trick against the manipulator.
If you understand this person is a clear manipulator, don't rush to open up and reveal your weaknesses. Otherwise, everything you say will be used against you.
Insults, Going Personal
Insults are a direct and aggressive form of confrontation. I don't think I need to explain what insults are at length. Probably everyone has faced them.
However, a true manipulator uses insults knowledgeably. They will hit you where it hurts because they know your weaknesses. A narcissist will catch you off guard and strike when you least expect it. The slightest disagreement with the manipulator’s "dictatorial regime" or just a bad mood of the narcissist can become a reason.
A manipulator might harbor thoughts about what kind of person you are in their head (depending on how close you are), as that's how a manipulator's mind works. They can pour out all the accumulated negativity on you at the slightest threat (in their opinion) to their egotistical majesty.
On the other hand, it could be a completely irrational stream of thoughts that appeared the moment you hurt the narcissist's ego. A typical reaction includes personal attacks:
- "Sweetheart, you're doing it wrong!"
- "So, I'm stupid? You're the one who's stupid! Just like your mom!"
You should distinguish between the emotional reaction to a narcissist's hurt ego and the different reasons for insults. A sociopath doesn't need any other reason for insults than the pleasure of humiliating a person. A sadist can latch onto anything: your figure, clothes, job, or even ideas — it doesn't matter, it's just a pretext. The main thing for a sociopath is to humiliate another person to feel superior.
How to Resist?
If one person offers you a snake and another an apple, which would you take? Naturally, the apple, but in reality things aren't as simple as in wise parables. Often, we grab the snake, taking insults to heart.
Never justify yourself in response to insults. Otherwise, you'll appear as if you accept the insults as fact.
Don't show concern, as the manipulator tries to hit you where it hurts. Calmly ask your opponent, "What's your purpose in telling me this?" The person might think after such a question, and you'll keep control of the situation.
If persuasion doesn't help, try to shift the attention to the offender: "Do you talk to your mom this way? That's sad..." Stay calm, not showing your emotions. The point is to touch your opponent's deep feelings without stooping to their level.
Shifting Blame
A narcissist rarely admits fault in their failures. If they do, they do it reluctantly or later revert to blaming everyone around them for their troubles. Society, the country's leadership, family, friends, and colleagues are to blame for the narcissist's problems. The reason can be anything, but the result is always the same — everyone around the narcissist is at fault, but not them.
This happens because narcissistic personalities are infantile and refuse to take responsibility for their actions and lives. Building a relationship with such a person is always difficult. Two people will suffer in such a relationship, primarily the one who blames others for their misfortunes.
The narcissist will throw accusations at you repeatedly as if trying to convince themselves and you of their version of reality. It's a kind of gaslighting, where the manipulator presents themselves as a victim while shifting responsibility onto someone else.
"It looks like it's going to rain soon, so I won't come to training," "Yes, quitting without any savings was a terrible idea, but it was my friend's idea...", "I'm 25 and not interested in anything because my parents raised me wrong."
How to Counteract?
By blaming you, the manipulator wants to elicit sympathy from you. But in this case, you should not show empathy toward the manipulator. Evaluate the situation based on real facts, not the manipulator's words.
Whether psychological violence is an impulsive reaction of a narcissistic personality (Michael Scott) or planned behavior to achieve goals by an experienced manipulator (Putin), a sociopath must always be confronted; otherwise, they will go as far as you allow them.
If there are manipulators in your environment, you'll likely notice they behave differently with different people, allowing much more with certain individuals. You are unlikely to change a narcissistic personality. However, you can set boundaries that the manipulator will inevitably test and consider for the future. After this, the manipulator will remember they cannot behave with you as they are used to because you are ready to fight back.