People with passive-aggressive behavior suppress negative emotions and anger, are unable to say "NO," and at first glance, seem friendly and non-confrontational.
A person locks their emotions behind a wall of silence, even though their appearance may show they are offended. This reaction to conflict often forms in childhood when a child is not allowed to express anger openly. "Being angry is not good," so emotions are forbidden and considered bad. But we cannot stop feeling emotions...
Why is Passive Aggression Toxic?
When faced with a problem, a person, instead of expressing emotions, silently harbors grievances, shutting themselves off. Those around them have to guess what went wrong, as the conflict is not always apparent. The person avoids responsibility for the conflict and takes on the victim role, seeking attention.
The difficulty in communicating with such a person is that you may not always understand what the problem is, and sometimes you might not even notice that there is a problem at all. After all, a person who avoids expressing emotions also avoids giving direct answers.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior at Work and in Interpersonal Relationships: A Short Story Example
David was supposed to pick up his daughter from school but was late. This wasn't the first time he was late because of work, so Katie was used to it but still upset. Moreover, this time she had to wait a long two hours. Katie told her father everything was fine, but she looked tired and disappointed. No matter how David tried to get her to talk, the conversation didn’t happen: Katie either remained silent, buried in her phone, or answered "yes"/"no."
David understood why his daughter was upset, so they didn’t go home immediately but stopped at a café where they served Katie's favorite ice cream. The portion of ice cream with chocolate chips helped to remedy the situation. David apologized for being late, and Katie told him how her day went at school. They came home in a cheerful mood.
Katie's mother, Jessica, had baked fish with vegetables for dinner. Despite the appetizing dish, the evening passed in an unusually quiet atmosphere. Katie didn’t pay much attention to it, but David noticed that his wife was upset about something. When David asked, "Is everything okay?" Jessica assured him that everything was fine and that she "...just had a headache today." But David knew his Jess well and understood that he needed to give her some time.
In the morning, David hugged his wife and, looking into her eyes, asked, "I know I’ve been working a lot lately... not getting everything done. Did I miss something?" Jessica understood how much had been on David's plate. She stopped the silent treatment and admitted she was upset because he didn't congratulate her mom on her birthday.
When David got to work, he expected that the revised report would already be on his desk. But the report was still missing. Bill, the employee responsible for the reports, was late to work and took his place with a dissatisfied expression.
When Bill was hired, he initially submitted all reports on time, then started delaying but still managed to meet deadlines. Now, Bill either submitted reports late or filled with errors. David, as a manager, had to spend more time checking or even handling the reports himself. Increased oversight didn’t help. As a result, twice as much time was being spent on the same reports.
When David called Bill into his office, Bill wasn’t surprised. He knew there were problems. Bill explained that he forgot today was the last day for report submission and began his usual excuses: "not feeling well, but I’m working...", "it just doesn’t work out differently", "the amount of information has increased", and even "traffic jams on the roads." David knew that there was more information to process, which took more time, but not twice as much!
— "You were late today... and yesterday. You are late all the time. Not a single day this week has been without delays."
— "But I..."
— "Don’t interrupt, Bill! Besides, I know for sure that yesterday you left earlier."
— "No, I didn’t leave earlier..."
— "You left earlier without finishing your work, your work, which was supposed to be done yesterday! Don’t try to deny it, Bill! Everyone saw you leave! I constantly have to do your work and fix your mistakes."
— "David, I... I wasn’t late, I honestly didn’t leave early yesterday..."
— "Listen, Bill," David interrupted him, "If you can’t handle it, I’ll give your work to someone else." David said, looking Bill in the eyes. Bill remained silent.
— "Make sure the report is on my desk by the end of the day!" David continued. "And if I find even one mistake..."
— "Damn it, David, you know it’s impossible!" Bill exploded. "You know it’s impossible to submit this damn report today! Why didn’t you tell me earlier that it was sooo urgent? You’re asking for the impossible! This is your failure, and I’m not responsible for it!" David just remained silent, giving Bill a chance to speak. "If someone more experienced were in your place, someone who knows how to communicate with subordinates, they wouldn’t have allowed..."
— "This more experienced someone — is it you?" David interrupted him.
— "I worked as an assistant manager for seven whole years, not for some newcomer to become the head of our department." Bill gritted his teeth.
Bill could never come to terms with the fact that a younger and less experienced guy from another department got the position he had wanted for a long time. David knew what was going on. David also knew that Bill wasn’t constantly late. Bill hung out during smoke breaks, was bored at his desk, trying to stretch the hated work as long as possible, but never left early. David specifically accused Bill to unsettle him.
At the end of the day, David stopped by Jessica's mother and congratulated her on her birthday, which she was genuinely glad about. Bill was transferred to another, less responsible job in a different department. David no longer was late to pick his daughter up from school.
What Is Passive Aggression?
Passive-aggressive behavior can manifest in people with personality disorders like narcissism. But this is not necessary: passive aggression itself does not always indicate any disorders.
To better understand what passive aggression is, we first need to understand what aggression is in general.
Aggression is a person’s interaction with another person or people with the intent to cause harm to another person, people, or relationships.
Aggression is not just an emotion (though it may be accompanied by negative emotions). It is harmful behavior, which can be expressed through action or inaction (passive aggression).
Aggressive behavior (both expressed and passive) can be divided into:
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Conscious — harmful behavior resorted to achieve certain goals.
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Compulsive — a response to external or internal stimuli, usually accompanied by negative emotions.
Passivity is a state of a person characterized by avoiding actions and any other activity. Passivity itself does not imply negativity. For passive behavior, a person avoids initiatives, self-expression, reactions, responses, conflicts, and other active actions. Clarifying the concepts of aggression and passivity leads us to the definition of passive aggression.
Passive aggression is a person’s interaction with another person (or group of people), characterized by inaction and hostility (often concealed), with the intent to harm another person (people or relationships).
Passive-aggressive behavior is the repeated display of inaction by a person, hostile in nature, often concealed, with the intent to harm another person, a group of people, or relationships.
In practice, passive aggression can be identified using the signs listed below, along with counter-strategies.
The Difference Between Hidden Active Aggression and Passive Aggression
To put it simply, passive aggression is manifested in a lack of action, while the person retains an aggressive or hostile attitude. In other words, a person avoids certain actions, thereby trying to harm another person (or people) or their relationships.
Reasons why a person avoids direct conflict and expresses aggression passively may include:
- Lack of self-confidence or upbringing-related issues from childhood;
- Fear of a specific person or situation;
- Hierarchy principles that prevent a subordinate from openly expressing disagreement.
Passive aggression should not be confused with hidden aggression. Hidden aggression is a veiled action that may be expressed through hints, jokes, and other psychological techniques that can be considered socially acceptable. However, the main thing that distinguishes hidden aggression is action. Passive aggression is the absence of action.
Hidden aggression is a diversion. Passive aggression is sabotage.
The fact that the term "passive aggression" was introduced by Colonel William C. Menninger during World War II allows us to understand even better what passive aggression is and what it is not.
Wikipedia:
Menninger described soldiers who were not openly defiant but expressed their civil disobedience (what he called "aggressiveness") by “passive measures, such as pouting, stubbornness, procrastination, inefficiency, and passive obstructionism" due to what Menninger saw as an "immaturity" and a reaction to "routine military stress".
This implies that any kind of backhanded comments, insults hidden under the guise of humor, or things said as if unintentionally, intrigues behind someone's back, gossip, and other veiled manipulations to harm someone are not very similar to passive aggression. Indirect actions of a manipulator still remain actions. Despite the secrecy, often the manipulator acts quite actively. This type of aggression is more like a diversion than sabotage.
How to Deal with a Passive-Aggressive Person?
Here's where it gets interesting. I know of two strategies for dealing with passive aggression. We will discuss them in detail below. To decide which strategy to apply, first, it's better to make sure you understand the situation you are facing. To do this, you need to:
1) Identify passive aggression by characteristic signs:
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Silence about their feelings (offense, anger). People prone to passive aggression often suppress anger, find it difficult to talk about their emotions openly, and prefer to avoid direct conflicts. For this reason, they find it difficult to refuse others, even in requests they don't like fulfilling or those they don't intend to fulfill at all.
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Ignoring. A person may not answer your call or message or give an incomplete response, for example, to your email, ignoring some questions. Ignoring another person in verbal communication is a clear manifestation of passive aggression.
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Shifting all the blame for the conflict to another person (the role of the victim). Most often, a person accustomed to passive-aggressive behavior avoids expressing themselves openly and shifts the responsibility for the conflict onto the opponent, because since childhood, social norms and parental upbringing instill the belief that expressing negative emotions is bad.
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Failure to perform expected or acceptable actions. This is seen in both interpersonal and work relationships. A person may agree to complete a task because it's hard for them to say no, then fail to complete it, delay it, or perform the task poorly.
2) Determine the motives for a person's aggressive behavior:
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Self-affirmation, boosting self-esteem (behavior characteristic of narcissistic personalities). In this case, you are the victim for the manipulator.
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Sabotaging the work process.
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Attracting attention to themselves (the manipulator plays the role of a victim). This is often seen in interpersonal relationships, between a husband and wife or parents and children.
Two Strategies for Combating Passive Aggression:
Hard. Your task is to turn the hidden conflict into an open one so that the suppressed aggression comes to the surface. To do this, you need to unsettle the person by diverting attention to an unrelated topic, sensitive to the opponent, as David did.
David knew very well that Bill didn't leave work earlier than the specified time, but he began accusing Bill of the opposite. David confused Bill by pressing on him and using gaslighting. And who would like to be convinced that they did something they didn't actually do? Understanding the hopelessness of their hidden conflict, David created a new conflict for which Bill was unprepared.
Soft. You can show empathy by demonstrating that you understand the person, thus winning their favor. It's important for the person to feel comfortable around you so they may become more open and not hide behind passive aggression.
However, don't get too carried away with this technique, as people resorting to passive aggression often play the victim role, shifting responsibility for the situation onto someone else. Therefore, to maintain control over the situation, after showing understanding to the person and creating an atmosphere of trust, demand accountability from them. If the person listens to you, reinforce the result with encouragement.
David also used a similar method with his wife and daughter, who exhibited passive-aggressive behavior. They were upset with David for not paying enough attention to them.
In the case of his daughter, David didn't follow a strict sequence between showing understanding, calling for responsibility, and encouragement. This is not a manual but rather a recommendation. Knowing his daughter, David realized it would be better to demonstrate that he cares. Furthermore, when you've been in a relationship for a long time, you probably know the person well, and you may have your own unique ways of dealing with passive aggression that work perfectly.
The hard way to deal with passive aggression is riskier. However, it can be quite effective. To resolve relationships in his family, David chose the soft method. To counteract a colleague who wanted to undermine him, David used the hard method. You are free to choose which method to apply. The better you know the person behaving passively-aggressively towards you, the more effectively you can find the key to their secrecy.